This is how I roll....

Summer camp

This reminds me of you Mahmoud :P

Me against the World

That guy, there.
Do you see him?
Sitting alone, wondering, wishing
Dreaming.
You laugh and mock him
But do we not all wonder, wish and dream?

That guy, there.
Do you see him?
Sitting alone, crying and breaking
Alone.
You see him. Do you care?
Why dont you comfort others when you want comfort in your tears.

That guy, there.
Do you see him?
With others, but another person.
Laughing and mocking others
Still alone.
You know he is putting up a wall. Do you not care?

That guy. There.
Do you see him?
Still alone. Empty, feeling nothing.
Broken.
You still dont help. Do you not care?

That guy, there.
He used to love, he used to feel, he used to care
What happened? He's now like you.
Doesnt care.

That guy, there.
Do you know him?
I do.
That guy there,
Thas me...

Breaking my habits

I don't want to be the one battles always choose
Because inside I realize that I am the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I have come this way
I know its not alright

~Linkin park

Do you know?

Do You know what is like to make yourself feel pain
Just trying to ease the hurting inside
Do you know what its like to put yourself through hell
Just so a few secrets you could hide

Do you know what its like to hurt so much
That every morning and you just wish to die
Do you know what is like to get home at night
And have nothing to do but cry

Do you know what is like to give your heart to someone
And have it thrown back at you
Do you know what is like to have a broken heart
That just seems like it can never mend

Do you know what it feel like to get a hug
From someone who really means it
Do you know what it feels like to not get that one hug
It kills you beyond mortal understanding

Do you know what its like to be so alone
And all you need is a confidant, a friend
Do you know what its like to hurt so much
That you just want to make it all end

Do you know what its like to be standing there
On the crossroads of life and death
Do you know what its like to make the decision
To take your last and final breath

Do you know what I go through every day
No! How I feel you dont have a clue
Dont even try to understand my life
Because I refuse to be judged by you

Garfield

Garfield

Eid pics

Eid pics

Random Eid pics

On the DL

I don't wanna know,
If your playing me keep it on the low,
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore,
And if your creeping please don't let it show,
Oh baby I don't wanna know.....

Peace through Pratice...

Shaken

Argh just so fed up wit ppl! just because im injured it does not mean I am dead so save your sympathy for I want none of it. There are those who say "Ill always be there for you" yet when u try talking to them all u get is "hold on a min", "can u call me back", "im busy right now", "im busy" sounds familiar? I get it everyday yet despite how annoyed I get I never let it show, I just suck it up n act as if it where nothing but it really eats you up on the inside...Everytime I lock myself up in my fortress of solitude (reluctantly) she manages to pry me out every single time, my defenses that can hold of whole armies of humanity stand no chance against her.....

Further more why is it so hard to find a friend who will just remain a friend and will not end up liking you???

I can feel this bitterness creeping inside of me, I had thought I had banished it but here it is...I can see it on the horizon...Everywhere I look.

There is a dark side in everyone, and I can feel mine creeping up around the corners...

U got to love Garfield!

Plains of Africa

Can you see me in the backround?

The setting of the Sun

My island of solitude

The Mighty Nile

Shadows of Faith

A burning desire

My mind.

A hazy and dark mind...with a bit of light

There is always a light of hope in dark times...

Eid

The men of the famiy....wait I think there is some1 missing?

Eid

K we're getting there...but the little one kinda passed out :P

Eid

We where clearly not ready for this pic....well asisdes from my nephew and niece

The rambling of of a dying man

Feeling so cold on the the inside.....
Feeling so weak on the outside....
...Introvert

Being attacked by all sides by forces that I cannot see my defenses are almost non existent....im dying...is this my end?....It is funny is it not?.....Im dying I can feel it slowly my body is shutting down on me I do not feel alive as I had once did that camp did something to me...but what?...I feel so different...or was it the camp?....I do not know all I know is.......

Rome Total War

The sack of Athens.....

Raining steel kisses

The Wrath of God

Playing with a Cyclops

A Clouded Mind...

The rage boiling up within me....












My fortress of Emman is under siege and it's defenses are slowly crumbling. Breaches have been made, but relentless counter-attacks by warriors of faith have thrown back the opposing forces. The fortress remains standing, for now.....

Legoinaries facing off Spartan Hosplites

Legionaries facing of enemy camelry

Roman Calavry

2-3 day of camp

This camp is really starting to get to me, I'm not geting that time to really ponder and when I do it is not the same I need to be in my cul-du-sac, I need time in my fortress of solitude, I cannot seem to get that time to de-sensetize. The lack of sleep is really getting to me God! why must people snore so loud! My lung is starting to act up on me yet again and not only that it seems to be getting worse than ever before. One minute I am walking and contemplating on how I should best tackle various problems that are killing me (quite literally), N the next thing I know I am on the floor withering in pain, pain beyond anything I could describe.......

~Hoe get down get low
I'm crossing these mommas like tick tac toe
Let's ride let's go
Get loose get drunk get low
Thas right lets roll~

Day 1 of Camp

Nobody had any idea where the location of the camp might be so that was, how shall I put this? Time consuming....A waste of time.

Typical brown people they can never be on time, but must always be atleast half n hour late or more...can somebody tell me why I hang around brown people when I despise them so much? Especially brown Muslims!

Outhouses meh I can live with that, no shower well there was a river near by so I'm all good. But argh why must people complain so much this is camping after all...well kinda, in a sissy sort of way. Im used to spelling in a tent, having to sometimes hunt/fish for food, cooking fires, the rugged outdoor life...I honestly doubt few if not any could survive that kind of camping especially when they complain so much about this.

Had it not been for the huge immaturity factor I could actually chill with them more often, but everytime I just feel like secluding myself, as if I do not belong here...I constantly ask myself what am I doing here? I do not belong here. I should be by myself somewhere alone. Do not get me wrong I love them, but I do not trust them for that I have lost in them, Trust is like Respect it is something you have to earn, did my seclusion bring any benefit? I am so lost...lol honestly I do not expect to let 30 let alone 26...I am surprised that I have lived to see my 20th birthday. Makes me wonder why I am still here when my friend (broz, n sistaz) who are much better than me who had a whole life ahead of them....had their life snuffed out like that of a candle.

My heart is weeping. It cries for a want, sopmething it can never have, something I have decided not to pursue, for I am not worthy of such a beauty. A part of me longs for it but those feeling I grind down with my foot, kind of like a taboo....misery beyond comprehension....

~Every breath u take
Every move you make
Every bond youbreak break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you~

~Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you~

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war

Looking the devil straight in the eye

When the shadows come to dance

A glass jar...I always thought that im not made of glass and that I will not break....I can feel the 2 separate, the two distinct personalities of mine constantly clashing within in me...it is not good n bad...no its not like it's black and white....it seems to me that it is all grey....every time I make a decision it is just like rolling up a snow ball and tossing it into hell, what chance does it have? We all have a dark side in all of us, and I can feel mine creeping around the corners...

Drunk off of Despair

An Uncertain Future lies ahead of me. What was once clear is now hazy, I am lost in this deep and dark ocean and I cannot flippin swim!

Alone. Gone. Lost. Annoyed. Confused. Hurt. Hazy. Pain. Wounded. Death. Chaos. Uncertain. Im going, going, gone.....

Lonley

Im all alone...I have pushed away everyone.....locked myself up in the fortress of independence and self-sufficiency again...Who's at the gates?

To the Readers....

Those who read my blog....

Please bare in mind that when I write in my blog I write excatly how I am feeling...I am often caught up in my emotions, And I write whatever comes to my mind....but know this about me...Anything I say I will do, I do not like to go back on my words.

What really bothers me is how people read my blog without knowing me and who I am....Reality check: I have changed much over the span of these last few months, my views upon many a thing has changed. I have experienced much (there is little of which I do not write on this blog, due to the fact of what I have already wrote down on the blog before this (last paragraph first 3 sentences)) This is what I get out of what my mother has told me...r u saying she is lieing to me?....it would be very interesting for I have never knowin my mother to lie...Especially over something like this.....

If I have made it seem like I am a "victim" or w/e...let me correct that. It has never been my intention to seem like that are hint at anything along those lines...victim? no....life experiences, life experiences that only made me stronger. I don't care about what ppl say about me..it is the others around me that I care about...as far as I am concerned they are nothing but cowards for they cannot say this to my face but must hide and whisper there plots in the dark...do they think they can get away with doing the things they do in the dark??? Well just remember it will be revealed in the light.

I unlike other's I am open about what I do...I do not hide it I am no coward nor do I fear any mortal...yes a chill with the opposite sex..Due to some incidents that happened in the past I no longer really comfortable with chilling with guys (Im SURE you would know That from my previous blogs)....Dont acuse nor point fingers at me without knowing me, besides you are only pointing 4 back at yourself...something I learned at the Islamic Syposium...If you have a problem face me with it don't be shy, I wont bite......

On Further note if you do not like what I write on my blog that's fine you are entitled to your own opinion. Note that I am not trying to spread or promote Islam or any religion for that matter, I respect the religion(Islam) just like I respect all other religions whatever they maybe.

what I find funny is how people are so busy looking at other peoples faults that they forget to look at their own.....And in some cases they end up doing what they are condemning others of doing...

If there is any clarification need or something you want to say or ask here is my email billustan@hotmail.com (I ask that you show some respect and not abuse it)



I never asked for nothin I don't demand of myself
Honesty, loyalty, and then courage
Death before dishonor and I'll tell you what else
I'll tighten my belt 'fore I beg for your help

Random

July Blog...I have just been so far behind, and there is still more to add!

On jasper ave....just got out of starbucks, crossed the street and came across Ellaf (is that how u spell it?) who was sitting beside one f the pillars of Fluid, my initial thought was "there's something you don't see often, an Arab hobo!" it was quite a comedy spectacle, there she was sitting up hugging her knees, with her cell in her hands and guess what her explanation was "Im hiding from my dad!" lol....

Hafsa has natural blue eyes! damn thas hot! She was the only person I really actually stooped to talk to and had a convo with (several actually) man it was great to see her let alone talk to her after so long. Oh and Aliya and Sharifa man it was great to speak with them...oh funniest thing, Sharifa being Sharifa (that it being the weird individual she's is) and by doing the foolish things she does, she is walking for the doors at the speed of someone who has to take a duke:P unfortunately for her she ran into some difficulties at the door, instead of pulling the door (like it says on the sign 'PULL') she pushes and ends up crashing into the door and ends up hurting herself!:P

Okay the cutest kid, I had gotten him water and he was like "you put so much" (in urdu) it was so cute!...Oh and a another lil African-American kid was showing me his loose teeth, he was playing with it, so I told him that he should not play with them. He asked to see my teeth, so I did. He saw how big my k9's where and he asked if I was a vampire; "Yes" I replied, his eyes went as big as melons. Laughing I told him I was joking, afterwards he spelt his name on one of my noye cards and doodled. His name is Muhammad good-noor (he did not know how to spell his name, being that he is only 6yrs old) He went on to tell me about how smiling areot supposed to have girlfriends. He also tried pushing the couch, but he could not, cute:P
I drew him some pictures, some of which he wanted to keep so I let him, while I kept a few.

Ran into Ellaf's (spelling it right?) brothers Umjud and Ahmed, I was quite surprised to see Umjud there, ahmed man that lil smurf he had the look of being up to something deviously evil..:P

I got yelled at by my mother the other night. Some fools are spreading crap about me yet again. AND they are going onto my blog, taking my info, misinterpreting it and all that bull. Making my mother cry, when and I say when for I will find out no matter the cost, and I will make them pay for each tear my mother has wept. I will hunt them through all of the 7 hells if need be. May God have mercy on them, for I wont......


~I don't want to be the one battles always choose,
Becuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused,
I don't know what's worth fighting for,
And why I have to scream,
I don't know why I instigate,
And say what I don't mean,
I don't know how I have come this way,
I know it's not alright~

:S

Life......why does it torment me so?....I have freinds whom I want t be there for yet I cannot...y?...why does God mock me so?....I look at there pic, there page and i can fel what they are going through and I want to be there for them, for they are my friends...yet what am I to do? I have been given the gift the sence others pain even when they try hiding it, but am cursed with shyness an am not a people person...im just to shy! :S .......


~Being made a mockery of~

Sleepless Nights N Troubled Days

I would give much for just a single night's undisturbed sleep. There has been little rest for me. Nightmares that are distortions of the unpleasant realities of my waking hours, carried with me into my sleep. They tease and torment me; they steal wickedly through my slumber, prodding at my subconscious, fragmenting my sleep so that time and time again I shake myself awake, until at last dawn brings an end to my struggle...and so begins another

From Tunnu...

A RANT FOR BILLU

i know you love making fun of my dislikes..and my likes...and just me in general so here r some more dislikes:

- taking the bus- how bus tickets cost $18.50
- how the bus driver hit alefiyah on the curb n then dint even help her up (altho thta kinda made my life...only cuz she wasnt that hurt)
- asshole bus drivers that don't wait for you even if you run upto them...life ruiners
- when i miss my bus at millgate n then hafta go to town center n i miss that one too....EFF U GUYS...
- when bus drivers make u late even when it's not rush hour!!!
- when bus drivers make quick stops for themselves when there's no time and then ure late!!!!
- how i'm always late when i need to be early and how i'm always early when i dun't need to be- how billu thinks i actually hit on bus drivers
- how i spent $56 on 30 bus tickets when i could've bought a bus pass for $54 for the whole month....eff (and yes i did the math)
- when i'm at a bus stop n then a yellow school bus slows down n stops for me....SCREW U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- having the bus take so long n stop for EVERYONE...it shud just stop to pikc me up...in fact...that would be private transportation so the bus mite as well be a limo with a really cute driver
- bus transit rats aka highschoolers and jr high kids
- how it takes me a hour-hour n 15 mins to get home from uni even tho it's like a 20 min drive!
- when old people come n stand next to you on a full bus n then u feel bad cuz u shouldddd get up and everyone else looks at u like ure a jerk but then u gonna be standing for like half n hour whereas the old ppl gettin off at the next stop

oh...i hate how i spent so much time writing this about taking the bus....bye
___________________________________________________________________

awww tunnu wrote a lil somthin somthin for me...thankz Tunnu! I love You!

jus a lil somthin somthin...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

Stressin...

Went to a after wedding or w/e you call it party last night, wore my green shirt (the hmmm well almost the same color green of Pakistani flag just a lil lighter), white tie, pants , and dress boots.

The thing took place at the bloody sultan banquet hall (aaaargh I hate that place, same, horrible food! Why does every brown party have to take place there?).

The thing is im feeling very anti-brown Muslim ppl rite now, and more so I am feeling uncomfortable around girls in general, which is quite a problem because generally I eel more comfortable around girls more so than I do guys. I trust them/feel more comfortable, and more myself around girls thn I do guys.....That has changed (atleast for now I guess, or not). Now I no longer feel comfortable around anyone be they male or female.

Instead I just feel like isolating myself, and going to withdraw myself into my fortress of independence and self-sufficiency, the doors closed and barred...

LOSING MY FAITH

.....

Finally! I have a chance to write on my blog, but alas! many of what I had wanted to write and put on have slipped my mind and here I am sitting trying to recall all that I had wanted to put on....

K so this is what I do remember....

Yesterday was my nephew's grad. He graduated from the Edmonton Islamic School of Edmonton...daaamn they had some good dessert! :D. He's going to M.E next year the commentary meh it was ok....the class was so small they had only one grad 9 class and there was about what 15 students?....oh and after we went out and watched X-3, persoanlly it was not all that great of a movie I was kinda dissipointed :S....

Jean Gray ends up getting stabbed by wolverine, that is after she kills scott and charles xavier, nightcrawler is not in this one but you got a bunch of whole new ppl and some old one with bigger roles, mystic n magneto both lose there powers.... and ya maybe i should stop ruining it for those who have not yet watched it


~Hell knows no fury compared to that of a woman scorned~

Sunday's Events

I had my first swimming lesson yesterday, ad seeing how I did not drown I think I did rather well. I learned to breath OUT of my nose when im under water so that problem has been solved, well kinda, I blow out to fast so I cannot stay under water for long.

Went to Quick Donair with Dan gave him his first taste of a mix donair...damn I looked pg or somthin when I done:S.....and then we studied for a bit at timmy's....and then went home and watched Oceans 11 wit my sista. And then off to bed...

that is where the trouble starts, around 4 I just got up was not feeling tired and had trouble sleeping....so i went out and shot some hoops got home n slept for a few hrs. Got a test today I really need to start planning my days out again...gotta start to plan like the taliban in pakistan meeting jackie chan...


~When death calls me, im good..........cuz i got caller ID~


Random: bhaaaiiii didnt i tell u not to play with fire wait nvm....ur gonna come up with some quick n witty response to that like "i am the fire" or or "he who does not play with fire will never prespire" some shit
lol ahahha
shhh that made PERFECT SENSE

no comment :P

?

I love to just liie back and just stare at the stars and the moon, and just wondering how that is the same moon Prophet Muhammed (saw), Khalid bin Walid, Julius Ceasar, Alexander the Great, Douglas McArthur, Rommel 'the Desert Fox', Saladdin, Suliman the Magnificent, Malcolm X, El Cid, King Richard III, and so on...all the people I look up to and admire, this is the same moon that they gazed upon and here I am...what shall I do, who shall I be?

Tanvi...

when ppl pile other shoes onto your shoes!!!
when your in love with someones shoes but u cant find em anywhere...sucks!kids these days who are troubled little souls who go out with like 5 people a month...sickkk esp when ure like 14 haha and walk around the neighbourhood thinking they're gangsters, stealing, cheating, gossiping, loitering, vandalizing, fighting....omg do something productive with your life thanks

Thas tunnu for you (I also put it in your favorite color tunnu!). Man this gurl makes my world go round, shes cute, nice, funny, understanding, caring, cute, weird, smart...did I mention cute??? :P

Live well, and Die young....in Battle preferably

Today after I just meet up wit yogee, I started to walk towards my ride, and suddenly I had a flashback, I stopped in the middle of my stride and just stood there in the rain....This dream. This vision, image whatever you want to call it ran across my mind and as of late it has been constantly recurring within my mind...I have been purged with this 'dream' for almost 2 years now.....the 2 girls I care the most for watched my die I died in front of them.....I was all bloody and ragged the person who shot the fatal bullet was...well I feel like I know him but I can never make out his face...the dream varies sometimes for example one of the girls (I will not name which one) ends up dying but I live...barely....so till my dying day im full of grief and sorrow due to the loss of her......

There is much more to this dream I have given the most unhelpful.....description??? Truly I am at a loss of words...for this dream is just killing me on the inside....If I where to tell the whole dream....no I could not it is just far to disturbing.....

Yahya asked me (once I had gotten in the car) why I was smiling, and I just told him "becuz I am happy"... had he known me better, if anyone does, they would know I only laugh on the inside, my smile is just skin deep. If you could see inside you might just weep.....

Putting on the fake smile n laughin the fake laugh so nobody knows how I truly feel, I do it for them I do not want my sorrow to ruin the fun, to have them be worried....I have always been an independent person we come in this world alone, so surely we will leave it alone....

The Average Soldier

The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either. He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away. He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm howitzer. He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk. He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must. He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low. He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job. He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death then he should have in his short lifetime. He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them. He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed. He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful. Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the Canadian Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 190 years. He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding. Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood. And now we even have woman over there in danger, doing their part in this tradition of going to War when our nation calls us to do so. As you go to bed tonight, remember this shot... A short lull, a little shade and a picture of loved ones in their helmets.

A shout for the Canadian soldiers out there!

thas how we do. So remember those who fought, and those who have died for you, we have bled for you, we have seen/heard of our comrades fall in action....so the next time you think about making fun of us, just remember this.....

random

kape now i really want to join soccer!!! but i think its to late :S.....

lately i have just been really tired n stressed, just...well everything is getting to me n i dunno just feelin dead at tthe moment......

Random....

I had work yesterday with Maryina, whos the coolest person out there, n to work with....shes teaching me Russian :D I can now say 'you suck!', 'evil cat', 'butt', and a few other words n sentences....

Just the other day the bus broke down on the south side of the river! stupid 8, n ya thas my story, oh n this lady was having trouble breathing and was very dehydrated so I gave her my water and got her to lie down, but she needed to go to the hospital so once we got to millgate a ambulance was called n ya....

Ran into heeba the othwer day on the 8 as i was coming bak from work, man was it good to see her agin brought back memoires....like the times me n her n alefiyah went bladin, costco, skool n ya....

N tunnu still has not as of yet picked up her fone!!!

Changes...

Besides god who else should i fear?
the only person stopping me is that guy in the mirror...

Imma tryin to be a better person, stugglin n strugglin, tryin to fight the good fight, but sadly I am losing sure I have won some minor victories but I am losing the war....

Who am I?

Today I managed to get up for fagr salah without any difficulty as soon as I heard the ahzan I simply got up an made wudu, I had not slept at all from the moment I got into bed from the moment I got out I lay there the whole night my body aching with pain my mind raising uncontrollably, projecting images in my mind ,random things, everything...I had stopped reading the Quran for months and only recently have I actually picked it up, I do not pray all my prayers, some days go by where I do not pray at all, 2-3 days at a time! As I think back I become fearful because this is not me, this is not who I am.....ppl keep telling me I have changed...I have for the better and the worse, Im putting my past behind me, fixin up my life, opening myself up (slowly, and cautiously), but I have lost my Emaan...that is a price I cannot pay...

I want to be surrounded by the people who will help me streagthin my Emaan, I need it, the problem is I canno trust them for they have broken that trust, and others make it seem to me that they do not want me the be with them, I have 3-4 brothers who r there but I don't know I don't know if I can open up to them....the people I can open up to are all non-muslim, how has it come to this, that I cannot trust my own brothers and sisters in islam??? Don't get me wrong my non-muslims friends are some of the best ppl on earth. They are surely my best friends.....

Brothers actin like they rock, sisters thinkin there hot...it's quite funny yet disturbing to see what I'm seeing and to hear what I'm hearing.....

Im really missing Tunnu :S I ran into Gayu in Hennessey (k I don't know the spelling let me be!:P), man im missing tunnu.....FLIP TUNNU PICK UP UR CELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Lost Roots....

So I have decided not to join the aiyc soccer, it's all just fuckin pissing me off, a month in advance and particularly every week I have ben asking "when is soccer starting", only to find out yesterday that is has already stared 3 days ago n they got 16 guys on the ta plus another additional 'subs' ,4 of them, its like what the fuck?!?! this is the second time im being fucked over first hockey now soccer??? ive been with the ikwhaan soccer since day one pratically, and now like fuck! it's all about winning its no longer about having fun n brotherhood.....I think the roots of why this organization was started has been lost sure we got the whole events n stuff like that but in the end it does not do anything cuz it is not in the hearts of the people....the only real reason I got playin time las yr was cuz most of the guys were offensive players (they could play D but they preferred/better at offence) so I surprisingly got playin time, cuz usually I do not, ill be straight, im not crazy at soccer but hey I have been gettin better, I go to the practices (and in 99.9% of the cases im early and usually the first one there) and for what hardly ever gettin to play in what 3 MAC tournies I did not play at all I was on the side watchin the whole time....and everytime I remember thinking 'its ok it wont happen next time" yet it always did...sadly its all about winning....I just pray that bball does not turn to the extent hockey n soccer have come too

Im going, going, gone....

today has been a great loss, for I love los someone I have all loved and cared about, a failure on my part.....a failure to be what i was supposed to be....a brother. Where did I go wrong I do not know, but what I do know is that I will never be the same knowing that I have lost someone special to me

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Of all the friends I'll ever have,
Not one will ever be
Important to my life the way
You've been to me.

In many ways we are different,
Yet I always turn to you
To put things into perspective
With an honest point of view.

You take the time to listen with
A sympathetic ear
And tell things in gentle ways
I really need to hear.

A brother is a special gift
IM always grateful for,
Because there is no one else on earth
I'd trust and count on more.