Bball at Trinity

Saturday our first game....70-28 loss what is there to say? countless fouls by my teams.....truly I am disgusted and disgraced but I shall not fall, ive been hit harder I will live with this.....I thirst for revenge.....my training begins...so much to say but that shant be said.....the wheel have just began to turn

Ya-Aisha

She lay in a pool of blood, gasping for breath, each breath weaker than the other, she looked down at me reaching down grasping my arm.....

"little one its that you" she asks
"Yes its...its me" falling to my knees I grasp her hand, my vision blurred by my tears....
"Is my Billu crying? didnt he always say crying is a sign of weakness?" she says smiling
"Im not strong, im nothing....."
"Cute one listen to me, if we are strong our strength will speak for us, but if we are weak words wont help. So be strong Billu....be strong"
"Ai.."
"No, I know what you are going to say, so im going to tell you this, It is easy to dodge your responsibility Bilal, but you cannot dodge the consequences of dodging your responbility. You have to live and go on, and be strong....."
"NO! No you cant leave me! you said you would never leave me!....you...you promised" the last words I say in a whisper
"Oh Billu, my sweet Billu do you think im going to truly leave you" I shake my head not knowing, "Whenever you are in trouble are ever need help look in here" she raises a finger and lays it above my heart "Ill always be here just ask and listen I will whisper back"

"Aisha?" she fading, everything is fading, my world is spinning. I wake up by cat by my side, standing up I stride to my closet and throw on a robe and walk on to my porch. Hands on the rails the wind gently blowing my rope I wait for the sun to rise my cat comes and sits by my side, it is dark and cloudy outside where is the sun?

I remember my reaction when I was in the hospital, Even to this day I remember it is like a dream, a dream that I am holding on to but it will never come true...My sister coming back to me.

Nothing is more dangerous than an enemy with nothing to lose.....which is what I have become"
The sun shall not rise today.....

Crak des Chevaliers

Crak des Chevaliers. A very famous crusader Fortress never before has it been conqured when the Knights Templars took over it, although 13 seiges where layed upon the fortress it endured. It was finally takin by a Muslim Commander by trickery after the fall of the crusader states. this castle was built on the desgins based on muslim castles taking all the best ideas and putting it into this...it is truly amazing....i can go on and on about this Castle......

Some pics of Earths beauties

just some amazing pics i happned to come across, wow they are sinserly beautiful. Look at the beauties Allah (swt) created

another pics its just really breathless I would love to be there and witness this with my own eyes....Inshallah one day, one day

A Game of Thrones

My favorite series 'A song of Ice and Fire'

1 of my top 5 favorite pics.....just looking at her, asides from those astonishing eyes, look at her expression, her weather beatin face, her clothes it is amazing how much one can endure and yet still find the strength to carry on.....

Sorrow as the sun sets at Al-Humbra

We hurriedly marched through the twisting paths leading away from the Vale of Immortals to the Valley of Farah ('Joy' in Arabic) the rocks crunching underneath or footsteps, armor clanging , the deep breathing of men running in heavy armor. We received word that a Crusader raiding party has launched an attack here, numbering 211 against our own 100 knights. Faris was in charge of this regiment, a brave, loyal, and steadfast man, he could hold out but not for long.....

Carrion birds cicrled over the battlefield, dead everywhere quicky searching we found that the entire Knights of the Vale Farah where all dead but they took many of them enemy down with them. Off in the distance was the dust of the fleeing enemy, I quickly dispatch a runner to the castle and then my eyes fall upon Faris.....

We have been wounded in the height of our triumph. Sweeping my gaze around the bloodstained field before saying so all could hear,
"Faris died a warriors death! We will give him every honor and hope that his spirit has pleased God. Bear him and our companions back to the Al-Humbra on your shields...and do not be ashamed to let your tears be seen, for this is a day of sorrow that all will remember till the end of time. May we soon have the privilege os sheathing our blades in the monsters who have slain our comrades!"

As one the warriors put there right fist to their heart as they paid homage. The they stood and reverently lifted them on their shouldes. Already many of them wept, tears flowing into their beards, yet they did not disgrace their duty and allow their comdrades to fall. With solemn steps we marched back to the Al-Humbra

How long shall this go on?

So much racism within the Ummah over here in this very mosque! Towards are African-American brothers especially its disgusting. They must be Mashallah be blessed with much patience top be able to take it from the uncles....the once you wouldn't expect to be racist are in fact....man I do not know why im writing this prolly to just get out my frustration........

Ponderin.....

Maryam or Mariam (im not sure how she spells it), Jawad, N myself all broke our fast yesterday together im hopin I can get some more Muslims and that I can get a prayer inshallah established.....

We got ae team all set up n goin Bo Yeah!!!!!....but I cannot make the practices on monday:( due to my classes.....

Ramadan is almost over:S....there are still goals that I have not yet accomplished...theres so much to be done in so little time....im going to be scurrying aroun..... Asad
Inshallah I can start gettin back on my normal workout program and Inshallah I should be able to once again join the army by next year I still have not decided on when I want to go back in. I have been discussing it with my comrades and officers but I still have yet to decide. Also should i go regular or reserve?...and which regiment should I join?.....many choices......

Random.....yet again

I was sitting with a group of fellow intellectuals and we where debating the finer essence of belief, when one of the brothers said that he belies that dying for what you believe in is true courage. Idiris turns to me and asks
"Hey Bilal are you willing to die for what you believe in?"
Everyone looks at me already knowing my stance on dying and how little it means to me. A smile forms upon my face and I look deep into those astonishing blue eyes of his (he is one of the very few Arabs I know that has naturally blue eyes, even though his parents both have hazel eyes) and reply.....
"Many people have died for their beliefs yaqee; it's actually quite common, a grin appears on my face, the REAL courage is living and suffering for what you believe in."

I was in class with Maria and Laila, both of whom where recalling all these embarrassing events that have happened to me (which im naturally not going to repeat). As the giggle and laugh about it I try reading about Sigmin Freud but all that is running through my head is how people have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.....

Chaos in the Mosque.......

Taraweeh prayers: Im am quite upset and annoyed with the Shoora and the uncles. After one prayer I step into the lobby for some fresh air im tired n when im tired I get annoyed easily. Some youth where juz talkin in the corner when an uncle comes up and yells at them and grabs one of them and was proceeding tto bodily grabs the unfortunate boy when I stepped in and with one hand grabbed the boy and with the other the uncles arm and forced him to let go of him. I then askes what he was thinking grabbing the boy like that.
"They make to much noise they have to pray blah blah blah" the uncle goes on.
"Whom says they must pray?.....where is it written in the Quran and/or the Sunnah that they MUST pray???" I reply.
"It is the Masjid law!" he says heatedy.
"Masjid law?...but not Islamic law. Who are you to enfoce this 'law'?"
He opens his mouth to reply, but I ball over him
"You are nobody, do not touch these kids you have no rite, you just broke The LAW when you grabbed him, we call it assault in which you can be charged put into prison for a minimum of 2 years with or without bail"
He walks of I then turn to the kids and tell them
"You must not talk so loud if you really need to talk outside by the shoes, or whisper ok?"
I lecture them for another 2 minutes before I tak my leave.


And the day before.....I walk into the lobby for a drink from there I stand and read some of the pampets when another uncles approaches me and says,
"Why are you standing here get inside!"
"Exuuuse me?" I reply turning my head, I am bewildered by his tone and frankly quite annoyed by it,
"You should be praying its the rule of the masjid if you dont pray dont come, you kids are all just trouble makers!" he says grabbing my arm his face was masked in anger,
I spin my arm around and his grip on my arms is gone, his arm flying wildly to the side.
"Do you think you can muscle the youth? I look up and turn my bodyfully, WE are the muscle!, If you ever dare to touch me again ill charge you with assault, and ill break every bone from your fingers to your shoulder you are not the first person I did it to and you wont be the last!!!" I walk off leaving the Masjid call up a crew guy and leave without ever turning back......

I realize me threatening him was not a good idea esically in the mosque, but im am not one whom lets ppl think they can boss me around, I do not bend to anybodies authority but God's. Tell me I cannot, should not, or will not do something then it is good as done.....

Tiger....

"Its Not The Size Of The Tiger In The Fight. Its The Size of The Fight In The Tiger"

....for my friend whom insisted I put this Quote on my page "It reminds me of you" (my friends words)....I should have told'em im no Tiger im a LION!!!

The Rising of a New Sun

Dawn has risen and the light of hope and happiness has swept across the lands sweeping away the pain and sorrow. What better way to unite a people then a common enemy?.....so it has been done. The 5 separate Fingers have formed into a Fist.....

The Al-Humbra

I Dreamt an old dream, I had known there faces well, but it seems that as time passes the faces begin to fade until they are but a mist. I have vowed not to forget there faces yet in my dreams they where but shadows. There they stood before me the sun bright as ever above us, we stood nobody making a move it was 11-5, any normal person would have no chance against 11 opponents, but these where no normal 5 but then again nor was my 10. Raja the Prince of the Mathas stood in the middle chest held up high, he felt larger than life. His men on this sides, he was a tall well built man known for his strength, he would need it today more than he had ever needed it before.
"And now it begins" he boomed.
"No now it ends" I reply with a sadness in my voice.
Both sides charged and met in a clash of steel........

The Eastern sky has rose and gold as the sun broke over the Valley of Immortals. I wake up with a start, shivering I put on my cloak (green with a white roaring lion) and stride to my balcony. There I stood watching the light spread, my hands resting on the delicate carved stone of a lion outside my window. Below me the world turned from black to indigo to green as dawn swept across the forests and fields....

A tiring morning.....Welcome to the Al-Humbra

Saturday morning after my Usra (with Brother Murtada, and Brother Nawid). I was dead exhausted. I came home got out of Brother Murtada's car and as I started walking to my house I felt my body fail me and I sat on the grass and rested.....

I was lying down on my grass after a long and tiring and I have dosed off......

I woke up but not on my grass but rather in the mountains, mountains that I did not reconzie but yet at the same time I did. I was on a mountain looking upon a tranquil land, it has rich coal black soil, wide gentle rivers, hundreds of small lakes that shone like mirrors in the bright sun, on all sides the land was sheltered by tall protective mountains. Looming ahead was a jagged peak all by itself. A tall mountain, so tall that other mountains looked up to it, there it stood alone by itself, its head lost in the icy mists 2-3 miles above the valley floor. On the westernmost lay a fortress. 10 wide towers thrust into the bell of the sky...it was a Haven for those whom come to seek its protective shelter....it was our Haven.....

I woke up with a start! my cat was there licking my fingers, I slowly sat up petted my cat deep in thought puzzled my this dream. I looked around my lawn the deep green grass with maple leaves of red and yellow draped across it, I looked at my home the bright red sun just over the roof, I looked across the road, looking at my area...my place......it was not tell then I came to a realization that I have dreamed this dream before....that lone jagged peak was the lonely mountain, that fortress was the AlHumbra (Court of the Lions).....this haven...it was..it was My Haven..I dreamed this such along time ago I remember that day as if it where yesterday......

Tears......continued

Muhammed (as.) sat quietly in the evening,
His companion asked 'O Beautiful man why do you sit there grieving?'
"My Ummah! those who follow me the future of the faith makes me worry till I cry,
my brother's and sisters in Islam will they be strong and carry on after I die"
The prophet stood silently and prayed,
His beard becoming wet as he cried for all his fears,
"O Allah dont let this nation fade"
As he pleaded through the night the earth around him filled with tears,
"My Ummah! those who follow me, the future of the faith makes me worry till I cry, my brother's and sisters in Islam will they be strong and carry on after I die"
Lalalala lalalala, Lalalalalalaaala
Lalalala lalalala, Lalalalalalaaala
A stillness fell over the land
As companions gathered to where the prophet lay,
As Aisha his wife
held tight to his hand
The prophet spoke again before he passed away
"My Ummah! those who follow me, the future of the faith makes me worry till I cry, my brother's and sisters in Islam will they be strong and carry on after I die,
'My brothers and sisters in Islam, will they be strong and carry on after I die?'
'My Ummah! those who follow me, the future of the faith makes me worry till I cry, my brother's and sisters in Islam will they be strong and carry on after I die!"
believers,
Brothers ans Sisters in Islam will we be strong and carry on until we die.


Such a beautiful song it always bring tears to my eyes.....

Jerusalem.....

Jerusalem.......A city of a thousand lights and a thousand swords.....A divided city in a divided world. It seems like conflict has been raging here since time is self has began, Muslims vs. Jews people who once got along even fought and died together there blood mingling as it ran down the bloody streets of Jerusalem during the sack by the Crusaders in the First Crusade. We where LIONS!!! nobody dared miss with us, "HEAR ME ROAR"...but today sadly the lion is sleeping...we are but a shadow of a Lion......Or so it would seem, the lion it crouched and ready to spring.

In the words of Sultan Abdul Hamid II when he was approached the the kaffir and offered at tremendous amout of money for the Islamic state of Palestine, "I am not going to give one inch of Palestine to the Jews. Palestine is not mine to give but it belongs to the Ummah, and the Ummah have shed blood to defend this land; but if one day should the Islamic state fall apart then you could have Palestine for free, but as ling as I am alive I would rather have my flesh be cut up then cut Palestine from the Muslim lands, I will not allow any carving while we are alive."

.....Prophets, wisemen, first born children, messiahs, tyrants, Romans, and crusader.....blood spilled across millions of acres for thousands of years. It's little wonder why the soil is so dry. How many tears, how much blood can the land absorb without finally turning away in shame and sorrow? There will be tears, and still there will be blood......Because this is Jerusalem

The setting of My Sun

Today begins my Isolation.....Dark Deeds in Dark Times.....Quareling with my boyz, tensions between the crews, arguments within the crew, blood, pain, bruises....cuts, slashes, holes...how has it come to this?

Tears......

As I was walking with my Arab guys, we are talking about the current political issues, world events (such as the earthquake in the Indian subcontinent), also we are talking about the Ummah here and internationally.......we are going to our cars when Yahya stops and cries out "We didn't pray asr yet!!!"....I look at my wacth and reply "By golly your are right we can make the Jammat inshallah if we hurry!"....to this a brother replies that we could have missed it and let us just make our own jammat......on this an argument erupts.....

I am standing there tearfully, in my head I remember a story I read once long ago when I was much younger. The Prophet (saw) on a campain before the warriors left he told them to march straight for there destination, and they left. As the army marched it was time for Salah....half wanted to stop and pray, while the other haplf sayed the Prophet (saw) sayed to march straight to their destination. So the army split 50/50....by the time the half that stayed and prayed first reached the battefiled the army that marched straight had already won the battle.

When the reached the Blessed city of Medina they told the Prophet (saw) what happened....The prophet sayed no side was at fault "this is how my Ummah will split" he sayed. Another time the blessed Prophet (saw) drew a fine straight line in the sand and drew branches from it and sayed "My Ummah will split in the 73 sects, they will split like I have drawin this...but one the ones on this path (the straight line) will enter Paradise" (Note: I have not quoted it excatly word per word)

As they continued to argue I looked around and my eyes fell upon Yahya who also had tears in his eyes we gazed upon each other, our eyes locked and I realized he was also remembering those Hadiths I told him......Abraham, Solomon, and Ariel back of letting us Muslims sort it out (2 Christian Arabs, and 1 Jewish Arab)

"ENOUGH!" I cry.
"We already missed whatever chance we had on cathing the Jammat thanks to your guys bickering, so we mite as well just make our own Jammat" sayes Yahya

And so we make our own Jammat....and after we reflect on whjat we did wrong and pray that it will never happne again and then we............

Randomness

Okay here we go......

Time: Between 4 and 6 am
Who: Moi
What: No idea
Where: My porch outside
When: stated above
Why: No idea, I suspect exsaution from the jog
How: Dont ask

So here I was sleepin on my porch at about yaaa 5 am?.....tired from my job, there gettin a bit harder with this weather.....They really need to build a side walk down 50th that runs all the wy to the Macs on 50th in Jackson Heights, I almost got ran over n ya.....when it starts snowing im going to have to start working out indoors :( .....

All them bluejays are eating my cats food!.....itz no wonder hes takin to eating them :P.....Itz amazing how much my area has changed so their so many brown ppl here now....makes you wonder where all them white folk went....it was fun with the light skin brothers....but thankfully theres still quite a few...and ya but hey!...the crew is still here and intact thas what matters :D....cept for kevin who is in the states, david in Switzerland, and I do believe thas it...oh n Raja whom is....I dont recall at the moment.

We all went to the same elementary, jr, and most of us where at page for gr.10, most left in gr.11 but we still chilled everyday........HOCKEY SEASON IS COMING UP BOO YEAAAAH!....ahhh the memories from last yrz street hockey....cant wait to live'em up again....we have been doing this since elementary.....

Whom do you hate the most?
A) George Bush
B) Ariel Sharon
C) Vladimir Putin
D) All of the above

Man I think Random is spreadin this "Randomness" everywhere and to everyone........

A Random Day

Yesterday me, Anin, Random, n Jocey went to west ed man it was good times...times I am uinlikely to eva forget nor do I think that any of us will......we watched 'Madagascar' oh my the King of the Lemurs sounded and reminded us sooo much of our dear freind Anin it was comedy....I like to move move it:P......we couldnt not stop laughin in that movie, we where soo loud i do believe that we had ruined it for others.....we had ice cream! :D......n ya we walked around havin a good time laughin....we went 2 le chateau where the sales associate was a gay guy....and man it was comedy anin was cutting him up soo bad we couldent restrain our laughter......n ya from ther we went or seperate ways....our seperate homes.....n got ome n called, msn, n commnicated with each other......i wore a traditonal arab garment for salah:D....I luv the feeling of showing I am muslim....i enjoy wearing these clothes they are so comfortable...and simple...on the friday i had a talk with brother Mumin....he has his own clothing line and asked if i was interested in modeling for his brand.....i cannot deny it the offer seemed to get my attention i have not modeled since gr.10 so i think i mite go for it again, i really do enjoy fashion and its a career i have been thinking of pursuing.....well that is that now i do believe i shall go and play some Rome Total War (my favorite pc game at the moment).

Here I am.....

All these ushers tryin to topple me, First the tried jumping me, then they tried killing me, then they tried crippling me, after all that they tried isolating me. One by one, two by two, then crew by crew....But Im STILL STANDING FOE!!!

All these so called 'friends', all them backstabbers. Spreading them shiet about me, thinking I dont know, thinking im not doin anything about it....I got somthin for ya'll....Do your worst! it aint gonna hurt me...its Stickz and Stones SON! On the Last Day, when you are on your knees begging for my forgiveness then we shall see what we shall see......

For all the people who judge me without even talking to me, without getting to know me. You THINK you know me. . . through the things you've heard...but you really don't because you've never asked me the actual truth that should be known. . . the game of pretend is oldschool my "friend". . .

To those young bucks trying to do me in.....You think your smart doing the things you do in the dark. . .well just know it will be revealed in the light.......

A Shout...to the ones who hated me it just made me a stronger person....to the ones who loved me my heart grew bigger cuz of all of you....to the ones who cared I gained a feeling of importance, something that was not there before....to the ones who worried someone actually cared....to the ones who left, well I guess nothing really lasts forever....to the ones who stayed the meaning of True Friendship stood strong, I thank you with all my heart. And my greatest gratitude goes to everyone who entered my life I am what I am because of all of you.......

Confusion

I had the most odd 'Dream'....but the thing is I am not sure if it is a dream or not :S ....cuz itz like a Nightmare!.....I do not even know where to begin I can barely remember it but here is what I remember rite now, here we go........

My rents are trying to get me married to this girl whom I do not like for the reason such as her personality, It is not that I hate her or anything it is more like a 'dislike, going to avoid her so not trouble brews' kinda thing. She is undoutabouly pretty and eveything but thinks to highly of herself (it comes from the modeling, models tend to think over highly of themselves trust me I kno this) for this I dislike about her and would rather not hang around her or be in the same vicinity as her.

The other part was Me n Mahmoud (1 of my best friends) where looking for a lost brother, it was very strange. It was in the past so we where armed with composite bows, samurai swords, shields, numerous knives, and I had a staff which had blades on both sides. We where wearing chain mail, bits of steel, and helmets, we where both dressed all in black and I hid my face as I am wont to do. I cant remember excatly how the dream went, and the parts I do remember I dont know how to put them into words.

This has got to be the most useless blog I have eva wrote but for some odd reason I have put it down becuz it has been bothering me so much.......

A Wonderful Experience

Wow ever since Ramadan has started I have been getting some proper sleep....man are these beautiful, I wake up fresh...Im ready to conquer the world!, kinda feeling,as I go for my jogs at 5 am itz pitch black the stars are still out, I cannot explain how phenomenal the feeling is, it is something you must do yourself to experience it.....itz pitch black, just the way I love it, I feel like the hunter, the stars are glittering above, the Moon!....the moon in its full splendor you see the beauties of Allah's creations, it so peaceful like the desert, alas! it is something I have yet to feel (how fortunate of Youcef, he has often told me about the feeling of it that he has experienced on the desert sands on Algeria, this is something I have not experienced so I can only imagine what it would be like, but I do get some sort of breeze of it in these mornings here in Canada). Inshallah 1 day I would like to go to Algeria.....the Sahara Desert!.....it is a dream of the future, but rite now I most not get lost in my dreams and concentrate on the present the reality right now....I must get back to my homework:(

A Random Day

Such a magical moment last nite, such a beautiful morning.......ahh I woke up from my beauty sleep the sun shinin on my face filling me with warmth........Oh Crap! my mind is racing im gonna be late!!!....I quickly wash my face, brush, change at such a rapid pace that im done everything all in five minutes........should I bus it???....To HELL with the Bus!!!....I grab the keys for the 240 n rush out the door, only to rush back in cuz I forgot my cell n then I rush out again, only to rush bak in cuz I forgot my hat n im out again. I get into my car n bang my head on the wheel for my stupidity I rush bak in to grab moi bag....n then I stop n think c what else im mite have missed I run a quick sweep n then im off again......and here I am studying with Maryham...well shes studying I am juz writing this entry while I take a short break n then perhaps grab a bite to 2 eat cuz im starving.....studying makes me hungry...wait coming to think of it almost everything makes me hungry:P......oh hol up!....I forgot im fasting...kape nvm....but yes I must get back to work for we have n exam this saturday........

Najma

Unless your heart is a dance of hope, how can your life be a song of peace?.....Last night after fiishing my class I ran into none other then the One and the Only..........The New Chicken Jawad Jaweed!!!!! (inside joke:P) man it was good times we laughed n joked around, we where having a comedy time....then WHOOOSH there goes my Bus!!!! ...from there I had to run bout yaa 2 blocks?...perhaps 3?....cuz in the mist of our merriment ic my bus zoom by...the smile on my face turns into shock, my eyes go wide....throwing caution to the winds I say a quick salam, and dash across the street and run as fast and as long as I can, fortunately for me I am in great shape and have a lot of stamina, my initial reaction was that I couldn't catch it because I just sat 2 hrs in class and it waz clod outside to my joint where all stiff but by the Grace of God as soon as I saw that bus by body sprang into action.....I felt like a shooting star, man I do I love beingin shape! :D

Beacons of Light

This saturday was the "Beacons of Light' at the U of A, it was really fun I enjoyed it pretty much, amazing food (thas a big one:P), Excellent speeches (about the companions of the Prophet (saw)), Crazy movies, Man that Hijabi freestyling was just mad me n muhummed where were in shock it waz quite insane, but I did not think it was such a good idea to actually show her freestyling instead it would have been better to just hear her, And they where showin this one sister whom a kaffir girl called 'rag head' numerously, n after the girl fell down the muslim sister instead of doing what she did I think her reaction should have been different somthing that instead of skiing down to that kaffir gurl and sayin what she did n leaving she should have helped her up or somthin to show that we Muslims are different we set the example (but again I am not judging I am merely reminding everyone, myself first and foremost)

At lunch me, Muhammed, Sami, Mahdi, Mahmoud, and another brother who name I didnt not catch went to the buttedome n played 2 0n 2 kkings court, these where some of the best and most competitive games I eva played Sami was on my team and in all honesty I belive he is the one who won us every game we played......

Ali, Murtada, Hafsah, Mahdi, Mahmoud, and Sami where the only people I really recall seeing whom represent page, I was expecting alot more and was quite shocked not seeing them there......

The only bad things that happened was 1. my soccer ball which was a gift was stolen from me, I lent it to 2 little boys so they could have fun while I listen to the speeches after that I was told that another kid took it sayin he found it so it wasd his....this made me really upset and aded to my stress, I have been really stressed and close to losing my temper on severaloccasions already, my temper is quite short at the momnt becuz my bottle of feeling is overfull and ready to burst already there are alot of cracks in it.

The second wa the behaviour of the kids on the bus i nearly lost it when he tried fighting me....do these kids have no manners. I am not used to ppl showing me attitude let alone pushing me.......it was very hard for me to let if go, but in the end I did.......that is enough fro now for I am starting to get upset once again..............